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Relational Trauma Response

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 18:22:07 GMT

If there was a Richter Scale for emotional earthquakes, finding out your spouse has been living a secret life would break the meter. Whether your spouse has had an affair, has been involved in pornography, using drugs, making financial decisions without your knowledge, etc…it can feel like a bomb has exploded in the epicenter of your life. The life and reality you believed you were living in feels like it has been shattered into a million pieces. When this happens, you have experienced a Relational Trauma. Relational trauma occurs when one person betrays, abandons, harms, or refuses to provide support for another with whom he/she has developed an attachment bond. Relational Trauma occurs basically in any situation in which the spouse has been leading a double life. There have been secrets, lies, and behaviors the spouse did not know about.

Common situations in which Relational Trauma occur:

Finding out your spouse is addicted to/has been involved in pornography and/or any form of sexual acting out
Finding out your spouse has had an affair
Finding out your spouse has been spending money or making financial decisions without your knowledge
Finding out your spouse has been using drugs
Finding out your spouse has been contacting other people on-line
Finding out your spouse has an emotional connection/relationship with someone else
Finding out your spouse has been gambling
Finding out your parent has done any of the above

Researchers have found that these traumas “overwhelm coping capacities and define the relationship as a source of danger rather than a safe haven.” These types of traumas are equivalent to, and often potentially worse than, a soldier coming back from combat with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Researchers say “worse than” because the trauma occurred in what was thought to be a safe environment vs. war where at least there was an expectation of danger. The same brain circuitries are triggered in both conditions. According to Dr. Judith Herman, a trauma expert, the most severe form of trauma results from the betrayal within significant relationships (Herman, J.L. (1992) Trauma and Recovery New York: Basic Books). Relational trauma can be a one time event or a series of events that occur over the course of the relationship.

In the past, the mental health field has recognized that symptoms associated with PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) have been present when someone has sustained a relational trauma, but has not officially identified nor named what was unique about relational trauma. In our work with couples, we have identified that although the reaction is similar, there are many unique facets to what happens to a person when they have been betrayed by their partner. In the weeks, months, and years after the discovery of a secret life in whatever form it takes, betrayed spouses go through what we have named a “Relational Trauma Response” (RTR). Relational Trauma Response is a mental health condition triggered when one sustains a relational trauma. RTR is akin to PTSD in that they share similar categories of symptoms: intrusion, constriction, and hyperarousal. However, there are two distinct characteristics related to RTR that are not present in PTSD. First, RTR has an additional category of symptoms that we’ve named Reality Disorientation. Reality Disorientation only occurs when one has sustained a trauma within the context of a committed relationship and is unique to the Relational Trauma Response. Second, in contrast to PTSD, where the event usually ends and the person gets away from the initial trauma (i.e., car accident, war, etc…), the spouse has continued exposure to the person and relationship that has traumatized them.

Symptoms of RTR

The symptoms of RTR are divided into four categories:

1. Reality Disorientation

Reality Disorientation is a mental state of confusion and shock experienced by the betrayed spouse where they begin to question and process what actually existed vs. what was portrayed to them and/or what they believed about their relationship. Physical symptoms can include loss of appetite, overeating, insomnia/oversleeping, difficulty performing everyday tasks, loss of functioning, gastrointestinal issues, headaches, anxiety, irritability, uncontrollable crying, and a variety of other psychosomatic symptoms. Psychological symptoms can include a feeling of “unreality”, dissociation, confusion, loss of a sense of safety, hopelessness, loss of a sense of time, loss of a sense of self, loss of confidence, clinical depression, and/or clinical anxiety.

There are two types of Reality Disorientation: Primary and Secondary. Primary RD affects how the person experiences their marriage and perceives their spouse and the relationship they thought they had. Betrayed spouses are plagued with a sense of complete loss of trust and safety. They may feel like the entire life they had been living, or thought they had been living, was a lie. Every event, every memory, every situation in the relationship is now “tainted” by the realization that there was a secret life occurring at the same time. As a part of Reality Disorientation, the fact that there was a secret negates the “good times” and every interaction the couple had within that timeframe.

This catastrophic loss of trust, safety, and perceived reality will then expand to relationships outside of the primary relationship with the significant other.This is called Secondary Reality Disorientation.Typically the betrayed spouse will then lose trust in themselves, in others, and in God (if that is a part of their life).

Below are some examples of thoughts betrayed spouses with Secondary RD suffer from:

GOD:

How could You allow this to happen?

You must not be looking out for me…

Why didn’t You let me know?

If you loved me, you would have let me know.

Why did you allow me to marry him if you knew this was going to happen?

You betrayed me…

Why didn’t you stop him/her?

SELF:

I can’t trust my own feelings…

How could I not have seen this?

I can’t trust I’ll make right decisions…

I don’t know what’s real and what’s not…

I am frozen in fear…

I feel like a fool because I was believing a lie…

OTHERS:

I’ll never trust anyone ever again…

I can’t believe what they say…

Everything I knew was a lie…

If I can’t trust my spouse, how can I trust a friend?

The severity of Reality Disorientation is often in direct connection to how much a betrayed spouse thought their spouse was capable of betraying them. For some, the behaviors are a complete surprise and the reality of what their spouse has done is inconsistent with the character of the person they thought they knew. For others, they may have had a suspicion or experienced other behaviors indicating the possibility of trauma. This can leave a betrayed spouse feeling completely alone with no sense of what is “real”. If not treated properly, this can lead to clinical levels of severe depression.

2. Intrusion

Traumatic images associated with the betrayal such as the moment of disclosure/discovery, lies told preceding the disclosure, visualizing exactly what happened, etc... The betrayed spouse will likely re-experience the psychosocial distress of the traumatic event when memories, dreams or flashbacks intrude. Things that were benign before the revelation now seem electrified with the pain of betrayal. Movies, songs, restaurants, driving past common everyday places, etc…now become a source of pain. Obsessive thoughts plague the weeks and months after the discovery. Betrayed spouses commonly review over and over again the period in their life during which the behavior was possibly taking place. Images, memories, and unanswered questions intrusively flood their mind day and night. They get out calendars, review phone logs/emails, family events and try to put the pieces together. They try to figure out what was going on in their lives to try and reconcile their perceived life and how it coordinated with what was really going on in their spouse’s double life. Sometimes these obsessions completely take over a person; causing them to decline in daily functioning. They can feel like their whole world needs to stop until they have their questions answered.

3. Constriction

Inhibiting thoughts, feelings, and activities that are associated with the traumatic event are signs of constriction. Some betrayed spouses describe feeling numb, show no interest in normal activities and become detached from other people. Numbing can be an adaptive mechanism to survive unbearable pain. Many betrayed spouses find themselves vacillating between excessive emotionality and constrictive symptoms of avoidance and withdrawal. As another form of constriction, betrayed spouses can withdraw or isolate themselves from friends, family, and/or social supports. A feeling of embarrassment and/or “couples shame” influences the degree of withdrawal.

4. Hyperarousal

Hyperarousal is marked by a constant state of “being on alert”, assessing all situations for potential dangers. Severe mood swings, anger/rage, panic attacks, crying fits, wanting assurances, difficulty concentrating, insomnia, racing heartbeat, “shakiness”, muscle tension, fatigue, and nightmares plague the betrayed spouse. The brain gets “stuck” in this “danger” mode perceiving anything and everything as potential for harm. This is especially difficult as the betrayed spouse has continued exposure to the source of the initial trauma. Many betrayed spouses say it’s like they have been in a traumatic car accident that has forever changed their life. However, instead of being able to leave the crash site, the car is now in their living room everyday and they have to see it, touch it, and interact with it. The betrayed spouse can be in a constant state of alert and can re-experience all the feelings associated by the trauma just from seeing or talking to their spouse.

The severity of the overall Relational Trauma Response is determined by: how the discovery was made, the extent of shattered assumptions, individual and situational vulnerabilities, the nature of the betrayal, the response of the unfaithful spouse, co-occurring mental health disorders, and whether the threat of betrayal continues. These factors interact with one another to determine the intensity, scope and persistence of the RTR.

Stages of RTR

In general, although each individual is unique, the betrayed spouse will go through the following three stages in healing from Relational Trauma Response:

1. Revelation Stage

This stage is marked with shock and catastrophic loss of emotional safety and trust as the betrayed spouse finds out/attempts to find out the full scope of the traumatic behaviors. Betrayed spouses are flooded with questions and want answers to the who, what, when, where, why, and how of the situation. Betrayed spouses can feel “frantic” trying to assess the truth of the situation.

2. Response Stage

This is when the Reality Disorientation is at its peak. All of the physical and psychological symptoms are at their most intense. These include, but are not limited to, anger, grief, depression, anxiety, bargaining, avoidance, and confusion. There can be extreme mood swings from intense anger to severe depression/numbness/confusion. This stage is also marked by continued collection and verification of evidence, deciding if the relationship will continue, evaluating the spouse’s response to the trauma, beginning to set boundaries and/or consequences, dealing with trauma triggers, questioning what the future holds, seeking treatment, and deciding whether to tell family and friends.

3. Reorientation Stage

This stage is marked by an acceptance of the situation, symptoms becoming more manageable, engaging in personal healing work from the trauma, integrating the past, present, and future reality, restoring trust and safety with God, self, and others.

Treatment

As evidenced by the complexity of symptomology described above, Relational Trauma recovery is not a quick fix. Many counselors and well meaning people do not understand RTR and will try to employ traditional marital interventions and speak to the couple in terms of “forgiveness” and “moving forward”. Healing from RTR is not just a matter of “forgiveness”. Forgiveness is completely different than trust. Restoring trust and safety are foundational and essential in repairing the damage that has been done by Relational Trauma. Relational trauma and all of its causes must be addressed before engaging in traditional marital therapy or the couple will stay “stuck” because there is no safety. It is a complicated psychological condition and must be treated appropriately by knowledgeable counselors.

10 Myths of Sexual Addiction

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 17:26:55 GMT

We like to think sexual addiction comes down to a lack of willpower, but it's so much deeper than that. It's a messy, painful spiral of shame and destructive habits. One that can trap anyone, regardless of their intentions. We minimize it, calling it an indulgence or a simple moral failing. But the truth is, sexual addiction leaves wreckage in its wake – relationships, families, lives. It's time to stop downplaying the problem. In this post, we're tackling 10 myths to expose the reality of sexual addiction and offer a path toward genuine hope and healing.

1. Sex addiction, sexual fantasy and pornography doesn’t really harm anyone.

Scripture is clear that any kind of sexual immorality is not acceptable. Scripture shares in Ephesians 5:3 (NIV) “But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people.”

Matthew 5:27-29 (NIV) states: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” This applies whether one is “looking” in his mind, in person or on a computer. The coveting of another person, along with objectification occurs through this process.

In general porn and fantasy affect sexual tastes and warp the mind about what sex is. It affects the brain like a drug and is a behavior that escalates. It can escalate to viewing violent porn or porn involving children. It can lead to more acceptance of violence or engaging in violent behaviors. People involved in creating porn have been reported to be forced by violence to participate in the creation of it. It fuels the sex trafficking industry. (Fightthenewdrug.org) Sexual sin is serious and the impact to the addicted person, spouse and family are significant.

The addicted individual has often had to hide/be deceitful and likely for years. This is often followed by intense shame. Addiction rewires the brain, it’s chronic and compulsive. He or she needs more and more to be stimulated (much like the increased tolerance of an alcoholic). Sexual acting out will most likely escalate and could affect employment, health and may even lead to criminal activity. There’s little emotional connection or intimacy with others. When addiction takes over, the addict loses choice. The sexual addict cannot quit on his/her own.

Sexual addiction harms the betrayed spouse and marriage through traumatization. The betrayed spouse has a deep sense of betrayal, lack of trust, no sense of safety and feelings of disorientation as the realization that the spouse has had a secret life settles in. The betrayed spouse will be on high alert. The betrayed may lose friendships or support from church, work, family or other social circles. They will begin to question their sense of intuition and decision making, often questioning their sanity. They will begin to have intrusive thoughts around the addiction. They may isolate themselves due to lack of support or because they are being triggered by people, places and things that previously had no meaning or caused no emotional response. The spouse will be hurt and angry. The betrayed spouse experiences a set of symptoms unique to sexual betrayal, called Relational Trauma Response (RTR). Click here to read more about RTR.

All the circumstances and feelings taking place in the marriage will most certainly impact children leading to any number of emotional or behavioral responses.

2. If this is a problem of sin, just stop already!

While sexual addiction starts as sin and continues to be sinful, it also becomes a problem of the brain. Because an addicted person has used acting out as a way of coping he/she has rewired the brain much like cocaine rewires the brain. Sexual desires are stored in the amygdala, the survival part of the brain (the limbic system-fight, flight or freeze). When an addicted person has a pattern of medicating their pain through sexual acting out, a whole variety of feelings and circumstances may trigger the limbic system to believe it needs sexual acting out to cope. Their challenge is to engage the prefrontal cortex where self-control and critical thinking occur. Over time, though, the concept of “use it or lose it” is at play and because the addict has spent a significant amount of time allowing the limbic system to take over the prefrontal cortex and the connections in the prefrontal cortex have atrophied and they will have a significant struggle in making choices to avoid relapse, and in reality, the individual does not have a choice. The limbic system is in control and common sense is “out the window.”

The limbic system is comprised of (Roberts, 2013, pp. 232-234):

The Hippocampus converts working memory into long term memory, and it creates a sense of meaning in thought process)
The Amygdala is the survival center, the early warning device of the brain, and it processes information before the prefrontal cortex gets to help make a decision. There are more one way streets from the amygdala to the cortex than the other way around, so when information or experience is flowing, the amygdala will win every time.
The Nucleus Accumbens identifies what a person should repeat. It floods dopamine across the prefrontal cortex (common sense) to cause an individual to feel good. This is very powerful and is directly associated with cocaine (and other substances), and sexual activity. It can rewire the brain, reducing overall brain activity, explaining why addicts make stupid decisions. Brain scans of sexual addicts and gambling addicts shows the brain lighting up upon the mere thought of sexual activity or gambling.

With each choice to act out the brain’s reward system sends pleasure signals (dopamine) across the prefrontal cortex and overloads the brain. This rewires the brain and causes abnormal functioning. In an attempt to balance, the brain reduces natural dopamine production. Typical activities no longer give pleasure and reward the brain the way they used to. Only sexual acting out gives a normal sense of pleasure. Now the need to act is necessary just to feel normal. The addiction then escalates due to tolerance (the need for more to feel the same affect). Addiction also causes a switch in the brain that causes the sex addict to be overly sensitive to anything sexual. The addict is sensitized, meaning it takes less stimulation to encourage acting out. The overarching belief of the addict’s brain is that sexual acting out is needed to survive. This is why acting out escalates to more fantasizing, masturbating, or viewing of pornography or can evolve to more serious offenses such as strip clubs, affairs, and even to violence or child sexual abuse. Is there still a question to what is driving the sex trade in the world today?!?!?!

Teenagers are much more vulnerable to risk taking and its effects. The prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until age 25 and adolescents experience high levels of dopamine release. They have less self-control and are more likely to take risks due to the release of dopamine. Teen brains have shown to form stronger connections with rewards like drugs or sex and the associations last longer than in adults.

Sexual addiction is particularly difficult. While alcoholics may see the consequences of their actions (health problems, job loss, DUI, etc.) sexual addicts often don’t. They have an easier time staying in denial. Second, unlike cocaine or alcohol where a person physically has to use the substances to produce a high, the sex addict can immediately pull up an image to act out. When acting out occurs over and over the addict creates neurological pathways in the brain that will be difficult to overcome. Ultimately there is a battle of the mind and the brain has to be rewired. This is often a long process requiring a great deal of commitment and time.

3. Just try harder. Pray harder or trust God more and it will go away.

DOUBLE NO!!! The pervasive belief of just trying harder or asking God to just take it away isn’t real recovery and can even increase shame and frustration. Trying harder usually involves an attempt to resist the addictive behaviors called “acting in.” This is also often called “white knuckling” and includes isolation, restricting, rigidity, fear, and depression. This is followed by triggers, a sense of entitlement or some number of feelings that lead the addict to “act out.” This involves chaos, excess, anger, and defiance. A sense of guilt, fear or shame begins the cycle again.

Often there is a lack of understanding of what led to the addiction or what it means to be healthy. Recovery is a process with specific elements meant to address the healing of wounds, building connection with God, self, and others, ongoing accountability, addressing triggers, education on how the brain has been rewired, renewing of the mind, etc. With therapeutic treatment, relationship, accountability, commitment, application, and consistency a person can overcome addiction, but it involves more than just trying harder or praying for it to go away.

4. Be more forgiving and gracious.

Be more patient, kind, and loving, right? No again! We often hear the betrayed person say “I was patient, kind, loving and forgiving and it didn’t work.” They wonder how they could have done a better job in honoring the Lord and helping to change their spouse. This is the problem. When someone tells the betrayed spouse that they should have done more of this or less of that, what is actually being said is that the unfaithful spouse’s addiction is their fault. Never, never, never is an addiction the betrayed spouse’s responsibility. To ask the betrayed spouse why they didn’t do more of anything is to add shame and guilt in a way that is inappropriate and may add to the trauma and pain they are already experiencing.

Specifically, as it relates to forgiveness and reconciliation, the Bible is clear we are called to forgive as the Lord forgave us. However, this is not an issue of forgiveness only. This is an issue of rebuilding safety and trust. If a betrayed spouse always “forgives” their spouse immediately and quickly reconciles after relapse with no repentance from the unfaithful spouse, the message that is often received is, “They have forgiven and we are reconciled so I’m good to go. There’s no work left to be done on my part and my spouse must be over any hurt feelings my relapse caused.” In addition, there is no time to rebuild safety and trust which is the heart of the matter and can take years to rebuild. If a betrayed spouse is told just to forgive and the unfaithful spouse does not do anything to repair the safety and trust, then it puts a Band-Aid on a gaping wound and the heart of the issue will not be addressed, thus causing more issues and high probability of continuing the sexual acting out behaviors.

5. Using pornography or acting out fantasies enhances marriage.

Betrayed spouses generally report feeling a lack of intimacy and a sense of being used in this scenario. They struggle in comparing themselves to the people in the pornographic videos. All the reasons mentioned above also apply to this question as it relates to how this affects the unfaithful spouse, the betrayed spouse and the family as a whole.

6. This is a marital problem.

Sex addiction has a significant impact on the marriage and both spouses will likely need to be in recovery. It is a marital issue, but the addict is responsible for his or her addiction. A betrayed spouse has no control, nor should they have control over their spouse. While there may be ways a betrayed spouse can be supportive or helpful, only the addicted person can choose to engage in and continue with recovery from their addiction. Approaching this solely as a marital problem indicates the betrayed spouse has responsibility. An unfaithful spouse’s addiction likely began before they were even married or dating.

This is a marital problem in the sense that it causes myriad marital problems, but the solution does not come through marital counseling. Marital counseling will be a portion of the treatment, and the addict is not alone in the process, but practitioners, lay people, pastoral staff and support staff must understand the heart must be transformed before work on the marriage can be started. The heart is the first organ to form in an infant, so it should be of great concern to make sure that the heart of an addict is being transformed before attempting to rejoin it to another.
Ezekiel 36:26 (NLT): And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.
Ecclesiastes 10:2 (ESV): A wise man’s heart inclines him to the right, but a fool’s heart to the left.
Matthew 22:37 (ESV): And he said to him, “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.”

7. Have more sex.

Does a cocaine addict need more cocaine to resolve his addiction? How about the alcoholic? The core of any addiction is an unhealthy form of coping that often stems from family of origin wounds or trauma. While sex is clearly not negative or unhealthy and is part of God’s design, the way an addict has been using sex is. An addict connects sexual activity with hiding or isolating, being disconnected from others, shame, pain, guilt, and it is impulsive and self-serving. The addict, over time, has betrayed his spouse and other family members. He has overspent, lost employment, contracted STD’s or other health conditions, shifted household responsibilities, been incarcerated, abused others, etc. The unfaithful spouse’s acting out can raise the risk of STD’s for the betrayed spouse and until the unfaithful spouse is in consistent recovery, sex is emotionally and physically unsafe for the betrayed spouse. Healthy marital sex should be giving, connected, and safe. The problem is much more complex than the idea of just having more sex.

8. Boundaries and consequences are mean and harmful to the marriage and not biblical.

False! A boundary is like a fence around your house that draws a line saying this is how far you can come. A boundary makes clear the idea that a behavior is not ok and won’t be tolerated. The alternatives to boundaries is attempting to control another’s behavior or remaining in an unsafe relationship. When a behavior is harmful to another person a boundary is not only a good idea, it’s needed and necessary for the emotional, spiritual and sometimes physical wellbeing of both people involved.

Boundaries will help to protect the betrayed spouse physically and emotionally from the sin and destruction of the unfaithful spouse, especially if acting out continues. Scripture supports guarding hearts and staying away from evil and wickedness.

Boundaries can be crucially helpful for the unfaithful spouse. They can assist in bringing him/her out of denial and to an understanding of the seriousness of the behavior. Boundaries can also serve as a motivator for engaging in recovery.

A boundary might sound like, “Looking at or thinking about other women in a sexual way does not honor the Lord or me and our marriage. You can choose to think sexually about other women but I won’t share my marriage with other women. You choose.” If the unfaithful spouse then chooses recovery and is consistent, both parties can engage in the healing and recovery process to restore their marriage. If the unfaithful spouse decides not to pursue recovery and is not repentant, then the betrayed spouse can pursue the Lord in deciding if and when separation or divorce is appropriate.

Boundaries can give one or both spouses the space needed to have clarity and time to heal. Boundaries are in fact a very loving action for the betrayed and the other person. Both people matter and boundaries are needed to protect them both.

Consequences can be critical in helping the addicted person to recognize the seriousness of his behavior. He is either going to hit an absolute bottom or an artificial bottom. (Jim Bakker, Tullian Tchividjian, Chris Hill, John Paulk, Douglas Goodman, Ted Haggard, George Rekers, Earl Paulk, and the list goes on). A betrayed spouse will need to create and enforce consequences to protect themselves and the marriage. In alcohol addiction, generally there are more obvious signs and consequences. A consequence for sexual addiction might sound like, “if you choose to have an affair or look at pornography then I will ask you to leave the house or sleep in another room.”

Consider it from the perspective without consequences and boundaries. Would it be advisable for an alcoholic to drive while drunk? Of course not. It wouldn’t be safe for them or others. Would it be smart for a judge to time and time again withhold conviction from someone who has continued to drive drunk? What message would this send to the alcoholic? The same is true in sexual addiction. Serious and repetitive sin can be lethal to any relationship.

Boundaries and consequences are clear throughout the Bible. A person only needs to read one story to see where God has drawn a clear line and the consequences that follow when this is not obeyed. Sin drives a wedge between us and God and in the same way ongoing, destructive sin drives a wedge in a marriage. Boundaries and consequences honor the Lord when a betrayed spouse can find healing and hope for restoration in their marriage. They honor the Lord when the betrayed spouse says “I won’t put up with that behavior anymore” and encourages the unfaithful spouse to make life altering choices that help them to choose to turn away from sin and death back to life and restoration with the Lord.

9. Sex addiction is not an addiction. The DSM-V (the bible of psychology) doesn’t classify it as such.

While it’s true that the DSM-V does not classify sexual addiction as an addiction, it has also ceased to recognize myriad other sexual perversions. The chairing doctor for the DSM-IV, Dr. Allen Frances, identified it like this: “The DSM franchise has become [an] enormously profitable publishing enterprise” (Gorenstein, 2013, p. 1).

Those who know that sexual addiction is real are not alone in their fight with the American Psychiatric Association (APA). Dr. Van der Kolk (2014) who has spent decades treating people with trauma found that many of the disorders listed in the DSM began as Developmental Trauma Disorder (DTD). When he presented mounds and mounds of evidence to the APA to include DTD in the DSM-5 the concept was rejected referencing a lack of evidence showing that childhood experiences traumatize individuals (Van der Kolk, 2014).

10. The sex addict is hopeless and nothing will ever heal the addiction.

At EWCC, we use a recovery book called The Seven Pillars of Freedom” written by Dr. Ted Roberts. He reports that 95% of the sexual addicts who follow the seven pillars and have outside support will successfully be healed from sexual addiction. We are seeing men set free every day. The process is difficult, but very possible. Here is a sample of the initial commitment to the recovery process (p. 18):

Attend a small group for men that understands addiction and healing.
Commit to the process of identifying and healing the root issues my life.
Commit to daily prayer and scripture reading.
Fill out the FASTER relapse awareness scale and subsequent accountability card and give it to two people who will support me in the healing process.
Begin/continue classes or counseling for healing of childhood wounds.
Commit to sharing with an accountability partner what was studied and applied, as well as insights gained throughout the week.
Seek counseling for current personal, sexual addiction, and/or shame issues, boundaries, codependency, trauma, etc.
Commit to personal journaling.
Arrange for STD testing if infidelity has occurred.
For my own spiritual growth, I will make a commitment to a local church.

More can be added to customize and fit the needs of any given individual. Some are more involved cases than others, but when a spouse is involved betrayal is imminent. Even when a spouse is not involved, people are affected. EWCC has multiple men’s groups addressing this issue. Contact the office today for more information.

So, what can I say and how should I support a couple in a sexual addiction situation?

Having a solid understanding of what sexual addiction is and how it affects both the unfaithful and betrayed spouse is the first critical step. Be clear that sexual addiction is a problem and needs professional help. Offer to connect them with professionals who work in sexual addiction and offer resources. Following that, plan to encourage, love and support them both in their recovery. Affirm that the Lord loves them both and desires to work in both of their struggles and hurts. Keep in mind that recovery for the betrayed spouse may not mean restoration of their marriage, especially if the unfaithful spouse continues acting out. Prepare to support them regardless of the direction of their marriage.

References

Gorenstein, D. (2013). How much is the DSM-5 worth? Marketplace. Retrieved from https://www.marketplace.org/2013/05/17/health-care/how-much-dsm-5-worth
Roberts, D. (2014). Beyond betrayal: Fashioning a courageous heart workbook. Gresham, OR: Pure Desire Ministries International.
Roberts, T. (2014). Seven pillars of freedom workbook. Gresham, OR: Pure Desires Ministries International.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind and body in the healing of trauma. New York, NY: Penguin Books.

Why Does PTSD Make Achieving New Years Goals So Difficult?

Tue, 05 Jan 2021 06:29:55 GMT

It's that time of year again. We're saying good-bye (and good riddance) to 2020 and hello to 2021. Often, people set New Year's Resolutions with great anticipation and hope. However, with PTSD, instead of feeling hopeful, you may be living in a constant state of anxiousness, grief, anger, or overwhelm. As a result, getting through the day is hard enough. Trying to find the internal resources to set and follow through with a lofty goal may just seem like a setup for disappointment.

PTSD is a mental health disorder that develops after exposure to a traumatic incident or events. The result of unresolved trauma can lead to debilitating and life-changing symptoms. As such, the New Year holiday may not seem like something worth celebrating. After all, the celebration alone can trigger flashbacks, anxiety, or feelings of despair. Then there's the reality that achieving long-term goals doesn't even seem plausible. So, what can you do if setting New Year's Resolutions is something you're interested in but struggle to follow through with?

In this article, we'll discuss a few ideas you may want to consider when it comes to goal setting and PTSD.

What is PTSD?

P TSD is also known as post-traumatic stress disorder. It's a mental health issue that develops after a traumatic incident or multiple traumatic events. Often, when people hear PTSD, they automatically think of veterans of war. Other incidents can also cause PTSD. For example, witnessing or experiencing a serious car accident or health issue can lead to trauma. The same is true for those who witness or experience the threat of severe injury, sexual violence, or death.

I'm Living With PTSD, How Can I Approach New Year's Resolutions?

Those around you may not be able to grasp the depth of your trauma. As a result, they may not understand why setting and achieving New Year's Resolutions can be so difficult for you. Likewise, they may not be able to comprehend how debilitating your symptoms can be. However, setting goals can serve as motivation and help you find purpose in life. So, rather than avoiding the conversation altogether, is there something you can do?

Here are a few ideas to consider:

1. Before you set a goal, develop self-compassion. Anyone who sets a goal can face setbacks or lose motivation. However, without self-compassion, this could trigger other negative emotions.

2. Avoid lofty goals. Instead of setting a long-term goal, perhaps you could shift your focus to fulfilling your daily needs. For example, let go of expectations and allow yourself to acknowledge whatever it is you're feeling. You may be stuck in fear and anxiety or bitterness and grief. Remember, you have every right to feel whatever it is you're feeling.

3. You could set a goal to research ways to help you heal. Treatment for PTSD, especially through EMDR, is proven to be highly successful. Likewise, the process can be life-changing. You deserve to find happiness and healing. Setting a goal to look into treatment could be the key to changing the outcome of 2021.

At Eagles Wings Counseling Center, we specialize in treating those with PTSD. We understand the complexities that accompany unresolved trauma. Likewise, we want you to be able to heal and enjoy life. We'd love to see if we can help you overcome your PTSD. Call us today.

3 Ideas That May Help Interrupt Your Porn Addiction Cycle This Holiday Season

Wed, 02 Dec 2020 10:39:38 GMT

You may or may not be aware of common porn addiction triggers that come with the holiday season. All it takes is a trigger, and it seems your thoughts take over. From there, the compulsion to act upon those thoughts can become unbearable. As a result, you find yourself turning to your addiction. Yet, through awareness, you can prepare yourself for alternatives and maintain your recovery.

The holidays are often viewed as a time of love and happiness. However, the holidays can produce feelings of loneliness, helplessness, or hopelessness. As a result, you may encounter more triggers that may lead you into the cycle of your porn addiction. However, what if there is a way to begin to interrupt the vicious cycle.

Let's discuss what the cycle of porn addiction might look like, including triggers that often accompany the holiday season. We'll also discuss three ideas that may help you begin to break the vicious cycle.

What are common porn addiction triggers that tend to accompany the holiday season?

The holidays are often full of celebrations, traditions, and gatherings. With that, you may feel more pressure to achieve other's expectations. For example, you may feel pressure to find the perfect gift for your spouse. Likewise, you may be keenly aware of the social expectations that are often left unspoken.

What are some triggers you can prepare for this holiday season?

Financial stress and pressure
family gatherings
Packed schedules (parties, shopping, traditions)
emptiness
loneliness
social expectations
buy the best gift
family together laughing and playing
intimacy - perfect moment under the mistletoe or when the clock strikes midnight.

Often, a trigger initiates the cycle of your porn addiction.

Why Does a Trigger Lead Me to My Porn Addiction

Like any addiction, porn addiction forms as a result of compulsive responses to a need or strong desire to act out. Triggers often initiate that need or desire. Often, triggers create either physical or emotional discomfort. For example, thoughts surrounding the financial burden of the holidays can lead to emotional pain such as anxiety or stress. As a result, it's easy to want to numb or escape those emotions.

Other feelings that can lead to an intense desire to turn to your porn addiction include:

depression
loneliness
boredom
frustration
shame
anger
feeling unappreciated or unloved

3 Ideas to Help You Begin to Break the Cycle of Porn Addiction

Let's discuss three ideas that may help you begin to break the cycle of your porn addiction.

As you begin to work toward recovery, try to notice what you feel before acting upon your thoughts. Doing so may help you identify a pattern in your behaviors. Likewise, you may be able to discover a dominant emotion that leads you to your addiction.
Be transparent about your emotions. One of the main reasons why porn addiction is so brutal is because of the lies and secrets that surround the behaviors. So, the moment you feel triggered, reach out to your safe person. For example, this could be your spouse, sponsor, religious leader, or trusted friend. Simply by acknowledging your emotions can help you begin to calm them. As a result, you can alleviate your thoughts before the intensity grows.
Finally, begin to develop a list of alternatives to your porn addiction. For example, if you're bored, maybe you could try a new hobby. Likewise, if you're feeling angry or frustrated, you could try turning to exercise as an alternative.

Often, the key to success for porn addiction recovery is to receive professional help. A licensed therapist may help you discover the underlying issues. Likewise, they may be able to help you acquire the tools that can help you avoid turning to your porn addiction.

At Eagle's Wings Counseling Center, we specialize in the treatment of porn addiction. We may be able to help you on your road to recovery. We'd love to talk to you, call us today.

Do People Suffer From Sexual Addiction, or Is It an Excuse for Careless Sexual Behavior?

Tue, 03 Nov 2020 09:42:42 GMT

Sexual addiction is real. Likewise, the addiction can be incredibly dangerous and emotionally destructive. Just like other addictions, sex addiction is not simply about craving sex. In fact, similar to those with other addictions, they have underlying issues like shame, anxiety, depression, and stress.

Are you wondering if you have a sexual addiction? If so, this article may help you answer that question.

Why is there a debate about whether or not sexual addiction is real?

Pornography and sexual addiction are on the rise at alarming rates. Why then, is there a debate about whether or not it is an addiction?

Our culture and environment are perfect breeding grounds for sex addiction. From tv, literature, and the internet, the expression "sex sells" seems to be more accurate than ever. Likewise, we live in a world where seemingly irresponsible sexual behaviors seem acceptable. As a result, it makes it easy to spread the misconception that sexual addiction isn't real.

In reality, sex addicts, like any other addict, often turn to their addictive behavior as a way of escaping from reality. Furthermore, many tend to suffer from past emotional trauma or sexual abuse. Hence, the emotional toll of this addiction can be as devastating as any other addiction.

What are the signs you might have a sexual addiction?

Admitting you have an addiction is the first step toward recovery. Many try to hide their behaviors or deny their inability to function without their addiction. Whereas, some addicts may not realize life has become unmanageable without their addiction.

If you are curious if you have a sexual addiction, ask yourself the following questions. Each of these may indicate that your problem may be more significant than you realize it is.

Are you trying to hide your behaviors?
Do you experience mood swings in regards to sex?
Has your partner mentioned you seem to be more controlling regarding intimacy?
Do you have obsessive thoughts about pornography or sexual activity?
Have you noticed you feel defensive when questioned about your sexual behaviors?
Do you need to view pornography in order to have a sexual response when you're intimate with your partner?
Do you expect your sexual experience to match those you view? If so, do you feel a lack of desire to be physically intimate?
Have you been isolating from or avoiding your loved ones?
Do you remain at the office, etc. so you can view porn or engage in other sexual behaviors without interruption?

If you answered yes, you might have an addiction. As a result, it may be the perfect time to reach out for professional help. At Eagles Wing Counseling Center, we understand the complexities of sexual addiction. We can help you overcome all of the obstacles you might find in your way.

What does recovery from a sexual addiction look like?

For those with an addiction to alcohol or substances, abstaining from those substances leads to recovery. However, recovering from sexual addiction doesn't require abstaining from sexual activity. In fact, the goal is to help you develop a safe relationship with sexual activities. Just like food addicts learn how to have a healthy relationship with food, you, too, can develop a healthy relationship with sex.

Recovery from sexual addiction means uncovering the root of the problem. Through the healing process, you can discover what drove you to your addictive behaviors. Likewise, you can regain control of your life and heal your relationships.

At Eagle's Wing Counseling Center, we are helping many men recover from sexual addiction. We can help you through the healing process and support you in your recovery. Call us today.

Is Porn Addiction a Real Thing and How Can I Protect My Family From It?

Tue, 06 Oct 2020 00:08:27 GMT

Let's discuss how to prevent a porn addiction and suggest ways to help someone struggling with one.

With the rapid rise of smartphones and social media, access to porn is easier than it's ever been. Many voices out there say that viewing porn isn't bad and can be healthy for relationships. This may make you wonder if porn addiction is even a real thing.

Porn addiction is real, and it's a serious problem. Mounting evidence shows the neuroscience behind porn addiction is similar to substance addiction. Likewise, porn addiction can also lead to divorce, loss of employment, and financial problems.

This article will define porn addiction. We'll also discuss how to prevent porn addiction and suggest ways to help someone struggling with one.

What is Porn Addiction?

Like other addictions, porn addiction is defined by compulsive use. Often the user doesn't want to look at porn, but they can't stop themselves, even when they know their continued use is harming them.

Over time, they continue to view porn even as it begins to interfere with everyday life. For example, they may need to get up early in the morning for an exam, but stay up late to feed their addiction. Their work performance declines as they view porn instead of meeting a project deadline at work. Likewise, porn addiction begins to replace home responsibilities or offering emotional support. Not only does their continued use harm the addict, but it often affects their coworkers, friends, and family.

How Can I Protect My Loved One from Porn Addiction?

The best way to protect a loved one is to have a conversation with them about pornography and its dangers. A study by the APA shows men who view porn are more likely to become depressed, disconnect from their loved ones, and engage in secret behaviors. Others find it's easier to look at porn than to interact with people or that it numbs feelings like anxiety or depression. So, users turn to porn instead of facing real problems, which begins a difficult cycle that is hard to break.

It may also help to ask them when they last viewed pornography. Teens are often afraid to tell their parents about internet use. Likewise, they worry their parents will get angry and take away their phones or favorite apps. To help them, assure your teens that you love them and want to protect them. A great way to help your teen is to commit to remaining calm even if they have been viewing porn. If you outline this for them before they get a phone, they may feel safe enough to come to you.

Limiting access to porn by putting safety filters on your family's phones and all electronic devices is very helpful. Likewise, you can help avoid porn addiction by doing electronic checks often.

What Can I Do If My Loved One Has a Porn Addiction?

If your loved one has a porn addiction but refuses to acknowledge the harm being done, you may want to seek intervention. You can hire an interventionist who can help you plan a meeting. The interventionist can then lead a discussion where you can confront your loved one about their porn addiction.

If your loved one agrees to get help, they will benefit from your love and support. They will also need help from a therapist who specializes in sex addiction. Likewise, you deserve support too. A family therapist can help everyone who is being affected by the addiction.

If they refuse to get help, and their behavior is harming you, you may seek out a therapist to help set boundaries. Good boundaries will protect you against your family member's harmful behavior.

At Eagle's Wing Counseling Center, we can help your loved ones overcome their porn addiction. We can help you too. Call us today.

Why Is Living With Someone With a Sexual Addiction So Difficult?

Thu, 03 Sep 2020 04:24:46 GMT

What makes a sexual addiction so complicated?

According to the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (gq.com), sex-addiction therapists have more than doubled since 2008. Likewise, sexual addiction cases continue to rise, even though it's not an official mental health diagnosis.

The complications are becoming more evident as more people battle this addiction. For those who live with a sexual addict, it can be emotional and mentally debilitating.

But what makes a sexual addiction so complicated? Let's talk about what life might be like living with an addict.

How Does a Sexual Addiction Differ From Others?

Sexual addiction brings a particular set of challenges and trauma into the relationship. For example, the initial discovery can feel like an internal bombshell. Likewise, the shock of finding online or in-person activities can be devastating.

Typically, you're left with many questions and no clear answers. One complex factor of sexual addiction is the shame and secrecy associated with it. There seems to be a stigma around sex addiction that differs from drug or alcohol addictions. With a need to be more secretive, the added pressure can intensify feelings in the moment. As a result, urges become more difficult to overcome. Thus, behaviors become more erratic.

Why Is It Difficult to Live With Someone Who Has a Sexual Addiction?

Living with anyone who has an addiction can be difficult. After all, addiction means you're in a constant state of chasing the next high.

When an intimate partner has skewed ideas around sex, they lose interest in intimacy. As a result, many women become viewed as objects in the relationship. Hence, women are left to choose to stay and see him through treatment or move forward without him.

Partners of sex addicts often endure deep traumatic experiences. Often, they'll experience betrayal trauma and need support. Yet, with the negative stigma around this specific addiction, they suffer in silence.

Those with sexual addiction tend to go to extremes to satisfy their cravings. As a result, it leads to little regard of the consequences for themselves or others.

What Is the Reality of Sexual Addiction?

Sexual addiction seems to have two different realities. First, the raw reality that this issue appears to be an addiction. Millions of people and families are struggling every day as sex addiction rages on. Next, the harsh reality that this addiction is not clinically recognized in the DSM. As a result, treatment options may be limited.

Research has yet to confirm that extreme sexual behavior is a neuroscientific addiction. There are various reasons why there is not an official diagnosis. As a result, health coverage may be limited when treating this specific issue. Hence, leaving sex addicts and their partners to self-fund therapy. The good news is, many professionals offer funding options.

Eagle's Wings Counseling Center can help you find refuge from sexual addiction. We can help you as you strive to maintain your mental health while in a supporting role. Likewise, we can help those with a sexual addiction overcome the relentless urges that have taken over their lives. Call us today.

Can You Use the Terms Infidelity and Emotional Affair Interchangeably?

Fri, 31 Jul 2020 22:26:34 GMT

You may be all too familiar with the term emotional affair. In the beginning, you weren't aware that your partner's texts with a co-worker were creating feelings that he hadn't felt in a while. However, with the increase in late nights at work, you began to suspect infidelity. It wasn't too long before you discovered there was more than work going on between them. So, while you feel like he's cheating, he claims it's nothing more than an emotional connection. Now, you're wondering if an emotional affair is the same as infidelity.

At the end of the day, you're feeling a sense of betrayal. Many people whose spouse has an emotional affair report feeling a loss of trust. As you wonder what the next steps will look like, one thing remains true; both emotional and physical affairs fit into the category of infidelity.

Let's discuss the different forms of infidelity.

What Is the Difference Between an Emotional Affair and Infidelity?

While there is a difference between an emotional and physical affair, both fit into the category of infidelity.

Infidelity is being unfaithful to your partner, with whom you have a commitment. Stepping out, whether emotionally or physically, can damage your relationship. Likewise, both are considered to be affairs (psychologytoday.com)

Emotional affairs can be more intense than physical affairs because of the time investment it takes to create an emotional bond. As a result, a person who discovers an emotional affair can experience feelings like one who discovers a sexual affair (verywellmind.com) .

Emotional affairs often begin with an innocent friendship. Lengthy interactions together can cause feelings to develop. The same is true for text conversations. If you feel drawn to someone outside of your relationship, you may want to re-evaluate the situation. Likewise, you can do things to avoid time with just the two of you. For example, you can invite a co-worker to long meetings or avoid taking lunch breaks together.

How Can You Save Your Marriage After Infidelity?

Often, the decision to remain together after infidelity is a difficult choice to make. The decision can be more difficult if you have children together. As a result, you may be wondering what you should do next.

At Eagle's Wing Counseling Center , we can help you through this difficult time. While infidelity is a difficult issue to overcome, many couples heal and remain together. Likewise, these couples often move forward with a new level of commitment to each other. On the contrary, some couples decide they want to go separate ways. We can help you through the process you feel is best for your situation.

Call us today.

What are the Benefits of Healing Relationships and Co-Parenting?

Sat, 11 Jul 2020 20:54:40 GMT

Divorce is a common occurrence that impacts many people first hand. In fact, right around half of all marriages will end in permanent separation or divorce.

For couples without children, the ties dissolve, and the relationship likely does too. However, for couples with children, relationships could last forever. Is it possible for couples to heal their relationships and co-parent effectively? The answer is yes. In fact, even couples who feel like they hate each other can heal and become effective co-parents. For most couples, co-parenting takes a lot of hard work. Yet, many will tell you, the benefits outweigh the effort.

In this article, we'll talk about healing relationships (psychologytoday.com) and the benefits of doing so.

Healing Relationships Opens the Door to Intentional Co-Parenting

There are many reasons why people divorce. Regardless, divorce is almost always associated with sadness, anger, betrayal, and hurt. When negative, raw emotions are left untreated, children usually suffer the most.

It's hard to go about life as normal when it no longer feels normal. For children, if their parents don't heal, they often get stuck between two parents they love. Likewise, they too, often have many raw emotions they struggle to process and then suffer from.

Personal healing after your divorce leads to clarity, peace, and happiness. In fact, many say healing is imperative for healthy relationships (psychologytoday.com) in the future. As you work on processing your pain, you'll also be able to let go of the anger. As a result, you open the door to a wholehearted co-parenting relationship. At the same time, your healing can help your children heal their relationships.

At Eagle's Wing Counseling Center, we help couples with their co-parenting relationship. We can help everyone involved heal.

The Benefits of a Healthy Co-Parenting Relationship

Co-parenting is parenting together after a divorce. Healthy co-parenting allows both parents to remain involved in their children's lives. Likewise, co-parenting helps children maintain loving relationships with both parents. As a result, children tend to have higher self-esteem, feel more secure, and experience less stress.

Co-parenting can be difficult for many reasons. Typically, feelings of sadness and betrayal accompany a divorce. Likewise, blame, shame, stress, and anger seem to unite together through the divorce process. Through proper healing, each of these feelings can diminish, and happiness can return. Furthermore, you can learn how you and your ex can work as a team moving forward.

There are many personal benefits of co-parenting.

It lowers your stress level as there is less contention. However, the effects of effective co-parenting for your children are priceless.

Benefits include:

Children gain a better sense of stability
Children tend to be more relaxed when they do not have to choose between two parents they love.
Effective co-parenting helps children learn effective conflict-resolution skills.
Co-parenting often leads both parents to stay actively involved in their children's lives.
Children tend to have better communication and relationships with parents who co-parent.
Co-parenting lowers the risk of teen drug and alcohol use. In addition, it reduces the risk of harmful sexual behaviors.

At Eagle's Wing Counseling Center, we can help you, and your ex achieve a high level of co-parenting success. We can help you find the best outcome for your whole family. New Paragraph

Why anxiety and Covid-19 have created a love-hate relationship with our children's electronics

Fri, 15 May 2020 04:44:53 GMT

With emotions running high, and many under stay at home orders, electronic use is on the rise. A great way to connect to friends and family? Or a gateway leading to anxiety, isolation, or addictions?

As a parent, your response to the Covid-19 outbreak can vary from day to day. Circumstances influence our response. Our response to Covid-19 today may be different than it would be ten years from now. The number of children and their ages can impact how much stress or anxiety one is currently dealing with. Likewise, employment and marital status can alter the stress levels in the home.

With emotions running high, and many under stay at home orders, electronic use is on the rise. Electronics are now serving as a way to connect to friends and family. In addition, electronics serve as a meaningful distraction for parents trying to work.

On the contrary, electronics can lead to anxiety, isolation, or addiction. The love-hate relationship with electronics may be affecting your children's anxiety.

As you try and find balance through the Covid-19 pandemic, you may need more support. Eagle's Wing Counseling and Coaching are open and offering services through telehealth service providers.

People react differently to stressful situations like the Covid-19 outbreak

During times of uncertainty, how we respond to stress and hardship influences others. Your children are learning how to react and respond to life's hardships by watching how you do it. You may feel extra pressure to be setting a good example for them to follow. Yet, anxiety may inhibit your ability to react to Covid-19 as you would like to be.

While the lives of your children have flipped upside down, so has yours. It may be hard to feel like a role model when you want to stay in bed all day or eat your emotions.

How can you manage your stress and anxiety and help your children process their emotions too? At Eagle Wings Counseling and Coaching, we help parents and children process the feelings that come with Covid-19.

The pros and cons of electronic time, in relation to Covid-19 and anxiety

Has electronic time in your household increased significantly since the Covid-19 outbreak hit? If so, you are not alone. You may be feeling anxiety or guilt in regards to the amount of time your children are on their electronics.

Electronic time has been a heated discussion long before Covid-19 entered our world. Studies link electronic time, which includes social media, screen time, and gaming, to anxiety and depression. Electronic overuse is also linked to an increase in suicide-related behaviors. Furthermore, electronic time can lead to isolation and addictions.

On the other hand, electronics are providing a much-needed connection to friends and family. Electronics can provide the social interaction you and your kids need. They are also keeping kids entertained as parents try to fulfill their obligations at work while staying at home.

Ultimately, how much electronic time your children will get every day is your decision. Deciding what that looks like will vary according to your family's needs.

How to support your children through the anxiety of stay-at-home orders

During a time of anxiety, talking with your children is crucial for their emotional and mental health. Taking time every day to speak with your children can benefit both of you.

Talk with your children.
Answer questions about Covid-19.
Validate their emotions and listen to their concerns.
Help them process and react to the disappointments they are experiencing.
Furthermore, talking can help you identify anxiety or depression they may be developing.

Another way to support your children is by interacting with them. During a time of so much stress, laughter can help lighten the load. You can play a game or learn a new TikTok dance together. Exercise helps with anxiety and depression. So, exercising in any form is a great activity to do together.

If you are struggling with how to support your children while managing your own anxiety and fears, we can help you. Schedule a telehealth session with Eagle's Wing Counseling Center today.